Evil Dead 2, now that's a movie!! I just finished telling you all my opinion of Thelma & Louise... Thank god shite films like that get offset by the genius of Sam Raimi's 1987 horror/comedy masterpiece!
Plot: Guy accidentally unleashes the power of an age-old book, awakening evil spirits that come to claim the lives of everyone.
This film is the bomb. Terrible acting. Crazy gore. Slapstick humour and a guy with a chainsaw attached to his arm. Oh yeah!
Girls won't like this film so don't even bother watching it with them. They'd probably prefer X & Y drive off a cliff with the Blues Brothers squad behind them again...
This film is the backbone of all bad-ass gore-fest films. Legendary for its crazy ideas and vast quantities of blood, you can't get bored of it. Whether it's a woman getting silenced by swallowing an eye-ball, or a guy chain-sawing his own arm off because it's become possessed, this film has it. The action is mainly set in one room, but it's never dull. You like zombies and cheap special effects? Check it out. You'll love it.
Verdict: 85%
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thelma and Louise
You know, I don't know what Ridley Scott was thinking when he made this garbage film. I don't know if his girl was having a stroppy and he thought he needed to make this bollocks to get the poontang back or whether he just bitched out for 9 months of his life, wondering if he should venture over to the dark side but either way, this film is some women-empowered gay-ass shit.
I don't know if it's the Geena Davis's 'Rape me' face or the fact these two bitches need to get put in the banger from the start... Yeah so one of them gets raped, big deal. We all know getting raped is tough. Doesn't mean you have to go on some crazy rampage across the US costing taxpayers money now does it? I understand killing the rapist. Shit I understand the 'shagging Brad Pitt in a motel just cuz I can' decision. I also understand his leaving your skank-ass in the motel having robbed your money cause you're a skank ass ho that deserves no better. What I don't understand however, is this whole we're gonna drive off a cliff and somehow make it sound like we've won just because we've cut the film at the point where the car hasn't started tipping to the ominous doom lurking below.
I suggest they recut that movie...
...with the car scene being shown till the end. That way women the world over can see their mangled nasty independent women idiot asses lying in a pile of twisted metal, with a gearstick through one thigh and the knickers on the dashboard. Then maybe we can ask them and Ridley if this garbage was even worth making.
Plot if you don't know: Couple of slags get vexed cuz one of them gets raped. So after killing one guy they think "Oh Fu*k it. Why don't we just kill everything with a Y chromosome"
Women love it because of the ''message''. Men hate it because it's crap. Frankly there's more of a message in Die Hard. In the title.
Verdict: 15%
...and that's only because the acting's good. The two of them look a right couple of slags, but they're believable slags nonetheless...
I don't know if it's the Geena Davis's 'Rape me' face or the fact these two bitches need to get put in the banger from the start... Yeah so one of them gets raped, big deal. We all know getting raped is tough. Doesn't mean you have to go on some crazy rampage across the US costing taxpayers money now does it? I understand killing the rapist. Shit I understand the 'shagging Brad Pitt in a motel just cuz I can' decision. I also understand his leaving your skank-ass in the motel having robbed your money cause you're a skank ass ho that deserves no better. What I don't understand however, is this whole we're gonna drive off a cliff and somehow make it sound like we've won just because we've cut the film at the point where the car hasn't started tipping to the ominous doom lurking below.
I suggest they recut that movie...
...with the car scene being shown till the end. That way women the world over can see their mangled nasty independent women idiot asses lying in a pile of twisted metal, with a gearstick through one thigh and the knickers on the dashboard. Then maybe we can ask them and Ridley if this garbage was even worth making.
Plot if you don't know: Couple of slags get vexed cuz one of them gets raped. So after killing one guy they think "Oh Fu*k it. Why don't we just kill everything with a Y chromosome"
Women love it because of the ''message''. Men hate it because it's crap. Frankly there's more of a message in Die Hard. In the title.
Verdict: 15%
...and that's only because the acting's good. The two of them look a right couple of slags, but they're believable slags nonetheless...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The langoliers
When people talk about Stephen King, they think about The Shining, It, or even the Shawshank Redemption. But noone ever talks about The Langoliers. Sure, everyone knows the Tommyknockers and Pet Cematary but the Langoliers is probably the most under-rated supernatural horror ever.
Plot: Loads of people on a plane. People go to sleep. BAM! Nearly noone on the same plane. So where did everyone go? Sure they land plane but why is there noone on the ground? Why are there weird-ass Pacman looking creatures with razorsharp teeth munching the hell out of everything and everyone!!?? And how the hell does everything go back to normal?
This film is illlll!! It looks like a B-Movie. It's not so much the acting but the production that sells it short. However, the plot is amazing and just on that, it's an amazing film. Go watch this film if you haven't already. Absolute classic.
Verdict: 93%
Plot: Loads of people on a plane. People go to sleep. BAM! Nearly noone on the same plane. So where did everyone go? Sure they land plane but why is there noone on the ground? Why are there weird-ass Pacman looking creatures with razorsharp teeth munching the hell out of everything and everyone!!?? And how the hell does everything go back to normal?
This film is illlll!! It looks like a B-Movie. It's not so much the acting but the production that sells it short. However, the plot is amazing and just on that, it's an amazing film. Go watch this film if you haven't already. Absolute classic.
Verdict: 93%
It
I wish I had never seen this film.
Had I never watched this film, I could still enjoy children's birthdays and going to the circus. Unfortunately, because of the Stephen King terror-fest, I can't look at clowns anymore. EVER.
plot: clown terrorises kids that believe in him. Oh but wait! They grow up and he's still around! BOOM!
I first watched this film when I was a kid and it shat me up then. I watch it again today and it shat me up again.
I don't know if it's the clown, the scary-ass voice, the trippy 'don't-know-if-I'm-dreaming' way he attacks you... Needless to say. I'm shook. I am literally puss in boots. I'm quaking. Fu*ked up clown = fear.
Go home. Man up. Turn out the lights. And watch It.
The acting may be poor, but you won't even notice that when you're busy wipin the brown stains off your pants.
Verdict: 85%
Had I never watched this film, I could still enjoy children's birthdays and going to the circus. Unfortunately, because of the Stephen King terror-fest, I can't look at clowns anymore. EVER.
plot: clown terrorises kids that believe in him. Oh but wait! They grow up and he's still around! BOOM!
I first watched this film when I was a kid and it shat me up then. I watch it again today and it shat me up again.
I don't know if it's the clown, the scary-ass voice, the trippy 'don't-know-if-I'm-dreaming' way he attacks you... Needless to say. I'm shook. I am literally puss in boots. I'm quaking. Fu*ked up clown = fear.
Go home. Man up. Turn out the lights. And watch It.
The acting may be poor, but you won't even notice that when you're busy wipin the brown stains off your pants.
Verdict: 85%
Life according to Garp
Aight, now first off. I'm not one for weird ass films about aspiring writers, mute women and trannies, but the film had Robin Williams in it so I thought what the heck... This could be a good flick... and it was!
Quick plot: Weird mum gives birth to a weird kid. Weird kid grows up and wants to become a writer. Some women's liberation BS is happening at the same time and bla bla bla drama crap.
If you have no patience... i.e if you have the attention span of my dear friend smitims, then don't watch this you'll fall asleep...
However, if you're down with weird emotional dramas and don't mind seeing Robin befriend a trannie and alienate a colony of self-mutilating tongue -cutting lezzers, then by all means watch this film. (I've really painted a weird picture here haven't I?)
At the time, this film was clearly making some political statement and is still interesting today. But as I said, you have to bear with it...
Verdict: 81%
Quick plot: Weird mum gives birth to a weird kid. Weird kid grows up and wants to become a writer. Some women's liberation BS is happening at the same time and bla bla bla drama crap.
If you have no patience... i.e if you have the attention span of my dear friend smitims, then don't watch this you'll fall asleep...
However, if you're down with weird emotional dramas and don't mind seeing Robin befriend a trannie and alienate a colony of self-mutilating tongue -cutting lezzers, then by all means watch this film. (I've really painted a weird picture here haven't I?)
At the time, this film was clearly making some political statement and is still interesting today. But as I said, you have to bear with it...
Verdict: 81%
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Total Recall
Aight, before I begin, I want to warn people at home that if they haven't already seen Total Recall, they need to get the fu*k away from what they're doing right now, including reading this post, and get their ugly, yellow, no good keesters down to blockbuster to rent Total Recall. Don't download this film. Don't watch it online. This film needs to be watched in style. It's got Arnold. I know a lot of you think Arnold ain't shit, but if you are one of those people, then frankly the day the world sinks into a devastating Thirld World War, with blazing infernos and catastrophic calamities, I will have no problem offing you myself.
In this film, Arnold proves he is the one and ONLY OG.
Plot: Guy wants to get away from it all and hears about some special memory implant style holidays. He chooses Mars. It all goes wrong. Is he dreaming or not? Fu*k knows but people wanna fu*k him up, mainly a guy called Richter...
This film is legendary. It has holograms, cyclop freak aliens, crazy weapons and robotics, double-crossing mutants. eye-popping on zero gravity Mars surface scenes, Sharon Stone, and Hoes with three-titties. Shit, now I wanna go to Mars! I can literally quote dialogue illustrating all of those aspects. To prove myself, I will only quote one scene. Arnold, as Quaid and not the back-stabbing version of himself Hauser (you'll understand when you watch...), is using a hologram watch to fu*k some enemies up, projecting himself in different places to tactically whack his enemies. He comes round a corner, faced with these enemies, who've now fallen for the trick already, saying "Do you think this is real Quaid". By looking off-center as he delivers the line, they all look away, expecting he's a hologram, only to have him turn around and say: "It is", machine-gunning the fu*k out of every last man standing. People think James Bong has cool lines, but this literally is like a line out of the Bible.
If you claim to have a Y chromosome, watch this. The story is sick. The effects are sick. The violence is banging. All in all, it's a Verhoeven masterpiece. Get on it now!!!!!!!!
Rating: 100% (maybe the only one I'll ever give...)
In this film, Arnold proves he is the one and ONLY OG.
Plot: Guy wants to get away from it all and hears about some special memory implant style holidays. He chooses Mars. It all goes wrong. Is he dreaming or not? Fu*k knows but people wanna fu*k him up, mainly a guy called Richter...
This film is legendary. It has holograms, cyclop freak aliens, crazy weapons and robotics, double-crossing mutants. eye-popping on zero gravity Mars surface scenes, Sharon Stone, and Hoes with three-titties. Shit, now I wanna go to Mars! I can literally quote dialogue illustrating all of those aspects. To prove myself, I will only quote one scene. Arnold, as Quaid and not the back-stabbing version of himself Hauser (you'll understand when you watch...), is using a hologram watch to fu*k some enemies up, projecting himself in different places to tactically whack his enemies. He comes round a corner, faced with these enemies, who've now fallen for the trick already, saying "Do you think this is real Quaid". By looking off-center as he delivers the line, they all look away, expecting he's a hologram, only to have him turn around and say: "It is", machine-gunning the fu*k out of every last man standing. People think James Bong has cool lines, but this literally is like a line out of the Bible.
If you claim to have a Y chromosome, watch this. The story is sick. The effects are sick. The violence is banging. All in all, it's a Verhoeven masterpiece. Get on it now!!!!!!!!
Rating: 100% (maybe the only one I'll ever give...)
He Got Game
After a suggestion by my friend Smitims, and no that isn't his real name, I thought instead of just giving you recent releases I should try to cover as much material as possible. Seeing as I'm not so much a reference to the films people have seen or can see as to the films they can't. So I thought I would start off this new trend with one of my favourite all-time films, if not my favourite, He Got Game.
He Got Game is a drama concerning basketball and more importantly the relationship between one man and his son. Denzel Washington stars as a con released from prison with orders from the warden to ask his son, a basketball prodigy (Ray Allen), to play for the warden's favourite team. I'm not here to IMDB this mofo however, I'm here to tell you what is and what isn't.
This film is the BOMB. I'm talking if One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is the bomb, this is Hiroshima. If you like basketball, even remotely, the overwhelming emotions paired with beautiful cinematography will get to you (it is a Spike Lee joint after all).
I love this film because of the themes of growing up, the issues in a son-father relationship, responsibility and the moral fiber which runs through a man. It's got bitches, it's got b-ball, it's got a soundtrack by A Tribe Called Quest, but most of all it's got Denzel delivering an awesome speech at the end along the lines of:
"Aight, you hate me boy, you go ahead and hate me. But you get that anger out yo heart. Because if you don't... You gon end up just anu'a ni**er" Phenomenal. Nuff said. Watch it.
Verdict: 98%
He Got Game is a drama concerning basketball and more importantly the relationship between one man and his son. Denzel Washington stars as a con released from prison with orders from the warden to ask his son, a basketball prodigy (Ray Allen), to play for the warden's favourite team. I'm not here to IMDB this mofo however, I'm here to tell you what is and what isn't.
This film is the BOMB. I'm talking if One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is the bomb, this is Hiroshima. If you like basketball, even remotely, the overwhelming emotions paired with beautiful cinematography will get to you (it is a Spike Lee joint after all).
I love this film because of the themes of growing up, the issues in a son-father relationship, responsibility and the moral fiber which runs through a man. It's got bitches, it's got b-ball, it's got a soundtrack by A Tribe Called Quest, but most of all it's got Denzel delivering an awesome speech at the end along the lines of:
"Aight, you hate me boy, you go ahead and hate me. But you get that anger out yo heart. Because if you don't... You gon end up just anu'a ni**er" Phenomenal. Nuff said. Watch it.
Verdict: 98%
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